I stumbled upon a New York Times article about a recently banned book written out of France. The title of the book, I Hate Men first made me laugh because of how much I say that phrase and prefaced a bit of a shock. The first thing that came to mind was my father, a truly gifted caretaker and firm supporter of women including his wife and daughters. Then, I thought of how my mom would never approve of this phrase as the wife of that father and who has an equally feminist son. And all the other unproblematic men in my life. I thought of all the other men out there in the world who have treated women well and don’t deserve this type of senseless hate. I was both intrigued as a feminist and offended that someone would be so careless to generalize. But since the book was critiquing a patriarchal force, I deemed it justified.
I knew I had to get the book to read what this was all about. And damn am I glad I did. Because instead of being angry, I felt heard in a new way. This was a feminist argument I hadn't heard before that made me feel less alone.
And that’s when I realized I was proving the point of the book itself - that while women are preserving the feelings of men, they are doing a disservice to themselves. My whole opening became about warning that not all men are bad instead of talking about the book content itself. This is because despite all the peace-keeping men in the world, there are also violent men to beware of, and this fear leads some women to avoid provocation rather than make any sort of criticism on the male dominated world we find ourselves in. This is not to say they are weak or not brave, but that they are cautioning themselves against real tragedies that could happen to them.
Upon reading the basis of the phrase, I shared author Harmange’s epiphany - that a common roadblock during important conversations about gender is male fragility. Much like white fragility in a conversation about race, what stops us from making progress in feminist dialogue is the fear of tipping off men and subsequently being called a “crazy bitch” or a “feminazi.” Because of the experiences of women and the way we have been historically doubted intellectually, we sometimes don’t bother bringing up our feelings. We end up fixed on preserving male ego that the moment we start to speak frankly about the damage done by living in a patriarchal society, we are deemed malicious misandrists.
Harmange also sights the frequently-tweeted phrase “men are trash.” I knew it sounded familiar. I can say that if I haven’t tweeted it myself, I have most certainly retweeted the shared frustration with men. It became popular not because a bunch of women were evil and wanted to start a fear-mongering campaign against men, but as a reaction to misogyny and vapid violence against women.
As if it's not already obvious, I’d like to make it clear that when this phrase is uttered, it is not in reference to all men. It is most likely a reference to a certain event that alludes to the power structure that mostly benefits men. The French feminist mentions times when a new male employee gets a promotion that should have gone to a seasoned female worker or how women are seldom believed when they choose to speak out against their rapist. It is in these times when the phrase is used; it is not to blindly put down a specific gender.
And the fact that I have to come out with this prologue shows how protected and privileged men are in this society. The classic example that comes to mind is the infamous Brock Turner case. After Turner was caught red-handed sexually assaulting two unconscious women, his father audaciously stressed that jail would severely impact his son, as if Turner wasn’t the one committing the crime.
I wonder if that thought crossed Turner’s mind as he was assaulting the poor women. The point is that the thought process was in preservation of a Stanford swimmer on scholarship rather than the women who would have to live with the trauma caused by him for the rest of their lives. When this story went viral, every girl felt deeply for those women because it could’ve been her. To not only suffer physically and emotionally, but to also have the system side with the oppressor is why we say I Hate Men or Men are Trash. To experience the world as a woman is to be undermined and held at unattainable expectations, so the least women should be able to do is express their anger at this daily offensive.